Friend or family owes you money? How to ask for it back without losing them

You lent a friend, a sibling or an ex money, and it has not come back. The answer is to ask early, kindly and specifically: one private message with the balance and an easy way to pay, often in instalments. Pressure makes people go quiet. If promises keep breaking, put a repayment plan in writing. Only when that fails, send a letter before claim with a 14-day deadline. In England, a claim of up to £10,000 is usually a small claim, and you have about 6 years from when the money was due.

First, get the numbers straight

Before you send anything, write down every amount you lent, with the date and how you paid it, and every amount paid back. Then work out the balance. Do not add interest unless you both agreed it at the time.

Mark which payments have a record. A bank transfer or an e-transfer is a record. Cash usually is not. The part with a record is the strong part of your case.

Loan or gift: be honest with yourself

This is the question everything turns on.

Points to a loan	Points to a gift
Messages that say "lend", "borrow" or "pay you back"	No mention of paying back for a long time
A date or a plan to repay	Words like "help" or "don't worry about it"
Part repayments	A birthday or a special occasion
Money for something only they used	Shared costs while you lived together

Courts in many countries are slow to treat informal family or partner arrangements as binding. Between friends it is often clearer. If your facts point to a gift, your ask becomes a request, not a claim.

Pick the tone before you write

Warm is for close family or friends you want to keep, and for someone who cannot pay right now. Start soft, offer monthly amounts and set no hard deadline.

Clear is for someone who can pay but keeps putting it off. Give the amount, a date, and offer a plan once.

Formal is for when the relationship is over or they deny the loan with no good reason. That means a letter before claim.

How to get your money back, step by step

1. Decide your walk-away point now. Small claims, letting it go, or waiting. Know before you ask.
2. Send one private message. In person, by phone or by message. Never in front of others or on social media.
3. Make paying easy. Give your bank details and offer instalments if the relationship is warm.
4. Agree a plan in writing. The balance, the amount, the day each month, the method and the end date. Ask them to reply "agreed".
5. Follow up a missed payment three days after the date, with a friendly reminder. On a second miss, send a clear message with the balance and the next date.
6. Send a letter before claim if promises keep breaking: the numbers, the proof, 14 days to pay, and what you will do next. Only say what you will really do.
7. Then decide. Mediation or small claims if the case is strong and they can pay. Otherwise, let it go on your own terms.

The message to send

Subject: Repayment of 1,200 CAD lent on 14 February 2026

Hey Jamie, I hope you're doing OK. I wanted to come back to the car repair money. Thanks again for the 300 in May. That leaves 1,200. Could you let me know when you can pay it? If one go is hard, something like 200 a month from December would be fine with me. Happy to talk it through.

By email, use this subject; as a text, leave it off. It thanks them for what they paid, states the balance, asks one thing and offers an easy way to say yes. If they reply "I'll pay when I can", ask for something small and regular instead: a fixed amount on a fixed day.

Time limits and when to go to court

Debt claims have time limits. In England and Wales it is usually 6 years for a contract claim. For a loan with no repayment date, time may run from when you ask for it back in writing. In Scotland it is usually 5 years. Elsewhere it differs by state, province or country, so check the official court website if the loan is over 3 years old.

Before any court claim, send a letter before claim. Mark it as one, set out the amount and how you got to it, and give 14 days to reply. In England a claim of up to £10,000 is usually treated as a small claim. In Scotland it is simple procedure. If the borrower lives in another EU country, the European Small Claims Procedure covers claims up to €5,000.

Even a strong case only gets you a court order. Against someone with no money and no income, it may be hard to collect. Never threaten to tell their family, their employer or social media, and never threaten the police: an unpaid loan is a civil matter.

The short version

Work out the balance, decide whether it was really a loan, and send one kind, private message with an easy way to pay. Put any plan in writing. If promises keep breaking, send a letter before claim with 14 days, then choose small claims or letting it go, whichever is worth more to you.

Questions

How do I prove it was a loan and not a gift?

Look for messages that say lend, borrow or pay back, a repayment date, or part repayments. A bank transfer shows the money moved; the words around it show it was a loan.

Can I charge interest on money I lent a friend?

Only if you agreed interest at the time. Ask for the balance and nothing more, or you give them a reason to dispute the whole thing.

Can I take a friend to small claims court?

Yes, in most countries, if the proof is strong and the amount is worth the fee and the time. In England a claim of up to £10,000 is usually a small claim, and you send a letter before claim first.

Is there a time limit on getting a loan back?

Yes. In England and Wales it is usually 6 years for a contract claim, and in Scotland usually 5. Elsewhere it differs, so check the official court website if the loan is over 3 years old.

General information, not legal advice. Rules change and depend on where you live: check the official source before you rely on a date or an amount.

Sources

• Citizens Advice: making a small claim and the letter before claim (England, checked November 2026)
• Limitation Act 1980, section 5: six years for contract claims (legislation.gov.uk, checked November 2026)
• European Consumer Centre Germany: the European Small Claims Procedure, up to €5,000 (checked November 2026)